Ever felt that surge of anxiety before a big meeting or even just sending an important email? You know what you want to say, but you’re not sure how to say it to make sure you’re heard, respected, and understood.
You’re not alone. In my experience as a communications coach, this is the single most common challenge professionals face. The great news is that you can learn to turn that anxiety into clear, purposeful action. It’s not about changing your personality; it’s about adding new tools to your toolkit.
To get there, we need to master two fundamental things:
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Our Style: Are we being assertive or passive?
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Our Channel: Are we using verbal or written communication effectively?
Let’s break down how you can use these distinctions to build confidence and make your voice heard.
🗣️ Finding Your Voice: Assertive vs. Passive Styles
This is the most important distinction you can learn. It’s the difference between influencing a conversation and just being in it.
What is Assertive Communication?
This is the sweet spot. Being assertive means clearly, confidently, and respectfully expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. It’s not aggressive; it’s direct. You’re advocating for your position while also respecting the person you’re speaking to.
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What it looks like: Using “I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I need”), maintaining comfortable eye contact, and keeping your tone of voice steady.
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Why it works: It builds trust, avoids confusion, and opens the door for real dialogue.
Here’s a practical example. Instead of using indirect language, try a direct “I” statement.
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Passive Approach |
Assertive Approach |
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“Well, I guess that timeline might be a little… tight?” |
“I have some concerns about this timeline. I’d like to propose an alternative.” |
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“Sorry to bother you, but maybe we could…” |
“I have a different idea I’d like to share.” |
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What is Passive Communication?
Passive communication is when you suppress your own opinions or needs, often to avoid conflict or “rock the boat.”
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What it looks like: Using “hedging” words (“Maybe,” “Perhaps,” “It’s just my opinion, but…”), avoiding eye contact, or letting others control the conversation.
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Why it’s a problem: While it might feel “safer” in the moment, it’s a recipe for long-term frustration. It leads to misunderstandings, building resentment, and missed opportunities. Your great ideas never see the light of day.
Your First Step: Try to notice your own passive tendencies. Do you use “maybe” or “just” when you don’t need to? Practice replacing them with a more direct statement. This is the first step to building assertive habits and setting clear boundaries.
🎙️ Speaking Up: Nailing Verbal Communication
When you’re in a face-to-face conversation, on a call, or giving a presentation, how you say something is often more important than what you say. Your listeners get instant feedback from your tone, pitch, and pace.
Here are a few expert tips for more assertive verbal communication:
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Embrace the Pause. Don’t be afraid of a little silence. When asked a tough question, take a breath. A short pause doesn’t make you look nervous; it makes you look thoughtful. It calms your own nerves and shows others you’re considering your words carefully.
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Watch Your Tone & Pace. When we’re nervous, we tend to speak quickly and in a higher pitch. Consciously slow down and speak from your diaphragm. A steady pace and a controlled tone signal confidence and authority.
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Be an Active Listener. Communication is a two-way street. Show you’re engaged by nodding, paraphrasing what you’ve heard (“So, what I’m hearing you say is…”), and asking clarifying questions. This builds respect and ensures you’re both on the same page.
✍️ Writing with Clarity: Mastering Written Communication
Emails, reports, and chat messages are your permanent record. They give you the chance to choose your words perfectly, but they have one major pitfall: Tone is easily misunderstood.
Without your facial expressions and tone of voice, a direct sentence can accidentally sound angry or dismissive. Here’s how to be assertive and clear in your writing.
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Be Direct, But Polite. Scrub your writing of those passive “filler” words.
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Instead of: “I was just wondering if you might possibly have a chance to look at that report I sent over last week?”
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Try this: “Could you please provide your feedback on the report I sent last week? I need it by Friday to meet our deadline.”
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Structure is Your Friend. No one likes a wall of text. Use bullet points, bold headings, and short paragraphs to make your message easy for your reader to scan and understand.
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Add (Appropriate) Warmth. Since your tone is missing, it’s helpful to add it back in. A polite “Hi [Name],” a clear “Thanks in advance,” or even a relevant emoji (in less formal chats) can make your message feel collaborative instead of demanding.
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Always Proofread for Tone. Read your message out loud before you hit send. Ask yourself: “How would I feel if I received this?” This one step can save you from countless misunderstandings.
🏁 Your Next Steps
Building effective communication skills is a journey, not a destination. It’s about finding the right combination of clarity, confidence, and context.
By understanding your own passive habits and consciously practicing assertive skills, you can transform that feeling of meeting-room dread into a productive, collaborative experience.
Here’s my challenge to you: Pick one small thing from this guide to try this week.
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Maybe it’s editing one email to be more direct.
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Maybe it’s using one “I” statement in a team meeting.
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Maybe it’s just taking a deliberate pause before answering a question.
You’ll quickly find that being assertive isn’t just about making yourself heard—it’s about connecting with others, building trust, and achieving better results together.
By Stephen Connell BSc PGCE Communication trainer and former business manager in multinational healthcare. Founder of Connect with Clarity — helping professionals, especially visual thinkers and dyslexic communicators, express ideas clearly and confidently. Updated 11 November 2025
